I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
