farters have to be the big spoon...
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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