I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
