pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
