My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
