She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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