I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
