He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
This house was built for laser tag.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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