I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
