I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
