my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
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