im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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