last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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