Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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