Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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