It's like a parade of train wrecks.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
