Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
