I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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