dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
