I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
