Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
