I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
