I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
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