I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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