Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
