Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
