So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
