The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
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