just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Randomize
