fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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