I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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