Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
