Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
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