she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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