i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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