I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
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