Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Randomize
