i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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