Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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