thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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