There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
