my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
