there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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