I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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