There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Randomize
