My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
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