Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
