just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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