Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Randomize
