We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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