I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
