somebody snuck up and got me drunk
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize