Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
