We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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