I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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