You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
We need a shit load of segways right now
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
My life is pants optional.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
