So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
