sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
