When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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