You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
