My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
