My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
