Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I feel like I'm in dance class right now
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
