he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
