We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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