Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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