i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
