Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
My life is pants optional.
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