Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
