god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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